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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
    Director: Jim Gillespe
    Starring:Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar
    This movie is: Horror

    If you think of "Scream" as Kevin Williamson's baby, then you can think of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" as his one-night-stand. The "Dawson's Creek" creator slices and dices his way through a quaint fishing village with a villainous fisherman with a massive grudge - and one big hook to grind. Get ready for a night of overacting, attractive teens, and blood, guts, and gore - just don't expect it to call you in the morning. -- The Movie Buff

    No Shit: "I Know What You Did Last Summer" - think you've seen the Fisherman aka "Muse Watson" before? You have, he starred as D.B. Cooper/Charles Westmoreland in the hit t.v. Series "Prison Break

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    Idiocracy (2006)
    Director: Mike Judge
    Starring: Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph
    This movie is: Funny, Stupid, Likely to come true

    (insert stupid laugh) This movie funny. Made by guy what did Beavis and Butthead, thems also funny. Movie is about what would happen if stupid peeples kept havin babies and all peeples was stupid in da future. funny Idea. Farts are funny too so is seeing guys get kicked in the balls hehe, farts. You should see this movie. I did. I laughed cuz its funny. -- Max Heller

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    Angela April 28, 2012 7:14 pm

    This movie is based on a true story.

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    I'm a Cyborg, But That's OK (2006)
    Director: Chan-Wook Park
    Starring: Su-Jeong Lim, Rain
    This movie is: Romance Done Right

    It's a love story told from the perspective of two patients in a mental asylum. It sounds good because it is.--The Spork Guy

    No Shit: Some people like to try and blame a certain scene from this movie as the inspiration for the Virginia Tech Shooter. But then again, some people also like Mayonnaise with their french fries...

    Pairs well with: Thirst, Wristcutters: A Love Story

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    The Immortals (2012)
    Director: Tarsem Singh
    Cast: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke
    This Movie Is: Fantasy, Action, CGI-full

    Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Man, what am I gonna do with all this extra baby oil and this wax dummy of Mickey Rourke?” Well, if you’re director Tarsem Singh, you hit 4 tabs of acid, crunch out 500 sit-ups, and lead us into the Ancient Grecian oil-painting fantasy-land of “Immortals”. Then the next day you wake up and you think, “Huh. That wasn’t too bad.” And then you realize that it wasn’t a wax dummy at all. IT REALLY WAS MICKEY ROURKE! --Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: 300, Fight Club, any movie that features glistening six pack abs.

    No shit: Your girlfriend is probably gonna say, “I kinda liked it!” at the end. Of course you did woman. Of course you did.

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller May 19, 2012 7:31 pm

    Yup!Way better than I thought it would be. Makes me wanna play God of War.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    In the Mouth of Madness (1995)
    Director: John Carpenter
    Starring: Sam Neill, Jurgen Prochnow, David Warner, and Charlton Heston!
    This movie is: Fun Lovecraftian Schlock

    This is kind of a Lovecraftian film, heavily flavored with Stephen King. Don't get me wrong, there are Lovecraftian elements galore, but it winks enough to acknowledge it's having more fun than actually trying to disturb anyone. Plus the main character is kind of a tough guy. Lovecraft wrote about nerds and academics for the most part. Good cast, some cheap scares, and nice use of practical effects. Delightful to watch Sam Neill descend into madness. -- TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Lived Any Good Books Lately?
    Tagline shoulda been: Actually, that's a pretty good tagline. I'd leave it be.

    No shit: This is the third in what is considered Carpenter's "Apocalypse Trilogy". The other two movies are The Thing and The Prince of Darkness.

    Pairs well with: Cthulhu; Ben & Jerry's; Shoggoth's Old Peculiar

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    The Innkeepers (2011)
    Director:  Ti West
    Starring:  Sara Paxton, Pat Healy, Kelly McGillis
    This Movie Is:  Horror, Ghost Story, indie
    "Do not disturb" your time with this Booo-ring ghost story. – Mick Finnegan
    Tagline was:  Some guests never check out.
    Tagline should have been:  Some guests never check out.  You’ll probably check out in about 20 minutes.

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    Invasion U.S.A (1985)
    Director: Joseph Zito
    Starring: Chuck Norris, who cares who else is in it. Maybe you didn't notice it stars Chuck Norris.
    This movie is: What America needs

    The U.S.A is being invaded by an army or terrorists that blow up neighborhoods on Christmas. Chuck Norris loves Christmas so he opens up a case of whoop-ass on them as only he can do. This movie has a lot of women getting grabbed by the hair by guys with guns, Chuck hates that too. It also has Chuck wielding twin Uzis and showing up magically as the bad guys are about to kill a bunch of innocents. He does't need to do any leg work to find out where the bad guys are, he just knows. --Max Heller

    Tagline was:
    America wasn't ready…but he was.

    Tagline shoulda been: America doesn't need to be ready because, Chuck Norris always is

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    Iron Man (2008)
    Director: Jon Favreau
    Starring: Tony Stark, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jeff Bridges
    This Movie Is: The historic turning point in which no one has since left a movie theater until the end credits have finished rolling.

    You know those beer commercials featuring "The Most Interesting Man in the World"? This movie is like that guy's really badass grandfather, who down the line would be responsible for giving us the biggest, baddest, most Hulk-tastic super hero movie to ever live up to its own hype. Or for my metaphor's sake, he's responsible for giving us an old white guy faking a sweet hispanic accent in order to sell beer in between commercial breaks on the Travel Channel. - The Spork Guy

    No Shit: Tony Stark built a suit in a cave, with a box of scraps.
    Pairs Well With: The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2(see our review), AC/DC's "Back in Black" album

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller May 24, 2013 6:20 pm

    This is the Back in Black of superhero movies. Nicely paired Spork Guy

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    Iron Man 2 (2010)
    Director: John Favreau
    Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Don Cheadle
    This movie: Has many robots in it

    Tony Stark makes the classic sequel protagonist move of forgetting every lesson learned in the first movie. He has to stop the proliferation of Iron Man-style war weapons that he created to stop the proliferation of war weapons he created. Also there's a subplot where he invents a new element to stop the metal in his blood from stabbing him in the heart. Or something. It doesn't matter. If the film had spent more time building up its characters and less time fighting generically evil Russian guys, it might've been as good as the original. --Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Every other Marvel movie, because you have to watch them all to understand The Avengers

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    Comments (3)

    Max_Heller April 21, 2012 2:14 pm

    I'm a big fan of all of the Avengers films so far. Robert Downey Jr is the man.

    Angela April 28, 2012 7:16 pm

    Yeah. Not as good as the first one - that is rare, maybe only Aliens accomplished that feat - but huge crush on RDJ in this series and wouldn't miss it.

    The Spork Guy December 4, 2012 11:39 pm

    Basically Atlas Shrugged with a random chapter about NASCAR in the middle. To be honest, the book remains pretty good.

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    Iron Man 3 (2013)
    Director: Shane Black
    Starring: Tony Stark, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Kingsley(kind of), Guy Pierce
    This Movie Is: Super Hero, Explodey, Stark Raving Mad

    Great action, great Stark moments, and no SHIELD filler this time around. Sounds good, right? It is! Until you witness a mid-movie twist that will make even the toughest Marvel fanboy want to slit their wrists. Only then will you understand why the Iron Man trilogy has failed a 3rd time at creating a memorable final bad guy. Making another SHIELD movie with Iron Man in the title doesn't sound too bad anymore. - The Spork Guy

    No Shit: This is the only Iron Man movie in the series without any AC/DC songs in it.
    Pairs Well With: Marvel Studio's Phase 1, True Lies and any other movies about terrorists blowing shit up

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    Iron Sky (2012)
    Director: Timo Vuorensola
    Starring: Julia Dietze, Udo Kier, Peta Sergeant
    This movie is: Sci-fi, Comedy, a better trailer than a movie

    Everyone knows the Nazi's didn't go to the moon they went to secret bases in Antarctica, so right away this movie is bullshit, but that aside, its kinda cool. I think it would have been better had it not been played as silly anti Republican propaganda, but all the space stuff is pretty cool. It did make me laugh out loud in about 4 places and it does have some hot chicks in it, too bad it wasn't a late night skin-imax movie then it would have rocked! -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Dead Snow which is also reviewed here on our C-D page.

    No shit: This German-Finnish-Austrian production sat around for almost 6 years as trailers and a cool idea until it was privately funded. It was also part of a collaborative finnish film making site called Wreck-a-movie where enthusiasts can put in their own ideas to be incorporated into the film.

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    Irreversible (2002)
    Gaspar Noe :Director
    Monica Bellucci, Vincent Cassel, Albert Dupontel :Starring
    Backwards, Foreign :is movie This

    Guy Spork The--.extent greater much a to mood good your ruin plot depressing already an makes This .opened have would it where finishes and credits ending its with starts movie this how neat really It's

    Enter The Void, Drive, Man Bites Dog :with well Pairs

    .genre horror the to added was it that critics for intense so was movie this in scene rape The :Shit No

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller March 24, 2013 4:57 pm

    Bravo on the backwards review Spork Guy!

    Guy Spork The March 24, 2013 10:36 pm

    !Max Thanks

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    It (1990)
    Director: Tommy Lee Wallace
    Starring: Tim Curry, Harry Anderson, John Ritter
    This movie is: Disappointing

    Any movie starring Richard Thomas must be approached with caution. I mean, the guy looks like he'll cry at any moment. The movie, itself, isn't bad. Not great but not bad. Probably the second best King mini-series, thanks mainly to Curry's performance. And hey, it didn't include the sewer gang-bang scene. Bonus.--TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was:
    The master of horror unleashes everything you were ever afraid of.
    Tagline shoulda been:
    The master of horror unleashes everything you were ever afraid of. And by everything, we mean his penis.

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    It's Pat (1996)
    Director: Adam Bernstein
    Starring: Julia Sweeney, Dave Foley
    Writers: Julia Sweeney, Quentin Tarantino????, the Farrely Brothers
    This movie is: Weeny

    Um, no. The only thing that saves this movie is how much Ween is in it. Much more than I thought. If you don't like Ween, it's a lost cause. I didn't even smile unless Ween was on the screen.

    Pairs Well With: Brain Candy

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    Comments (3)

    Max_Heller August 17, 2012 7:52 pm

    I almost felt like a I shouldn't waste space on the site with this review. But It did have Ween you say. I can only imagine what Ween is...

    Mick Finnegan August 31, 2012 7:30 pm

    I fucking hate Ween. The fact that Ween is in this movie makes me wish for a negative star rating. And a bucket to throw up in. Fuck Ween. Fuck "It's Pat". And fuck you, FilmSchoolGrad for reviewing this. Shit. You didn't even want your name to show up as the reviewer. But I know it was you.

    Max_Heller August 31, 2012 7:33 pm

    Its true it was FilmSchoolGrad who reviewed it!

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    Jack Reacher (2012)
    Director: Christopher McQuarrie
    Starring: Tom Cruise, Rosamund "I'm hot and have an awesome name" Pike
    This movie is: Pretty damn decent for a movie starring a crazy Scientologist

    Crazy Tom Cruise plays Martin Riggs a whacked out ex military badass whose a smart talking kinda super cop, who lives off the grid… Wait, that's Lethal Weapon. In this movie Tom Cruise plays Jack Reacher a whacked out ex military badass whose a smart talking kinda super cop, who lives off the grid. Oh and the movie features a fight scene mano e' mano, at night, in the rain, that we haven't seen since Mel Gibson put hands on a man in 1987. It's still a cool movie though. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Lethal Weapon
    No Shit: This movie really is cool. just like Lethal Weapon

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    Jack and Jill (2011)
    Director: Dennis Dugan
    Starring:Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler in drag
    This movie is: A waste of your time, Worthless, Not funny

    You know when your sitting around with a few of your friends and your all drinking or smoking pot and one guy comes up with a hilarious movie idea that has you all in stitches and running through crazy scenarios, but then you wake up the next morning and the idea still seems somewhat amusing to you, but you don't have millions of dollars or a Hollywood production company to do it? Well, Adam Sandler does. -- Max Heller

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    Comments (1)

    No One May 6, 2012 12:00 am

    How did you know i'd comment...weird.

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    Jacob's Ladder (1990)
    Director: Adrian Lyne
    Starring: Tim Robbins, Danny Aiello and some other recognizable young faces like Ving Rhames and Macaulky Culkin (don’t get your hopes up, they don’t fight)
    This movie is: One of the most frightening and brilliant films ever... no, really

    This one is a gift that keeps on giving. Like a great Floyd album, there’s more to discover with every viewing. At once terrifying and enlightening. Not a conventional film, but a reward worth earning. And the good doctor is sometimes jealous of the facilities on display. -- Dr.Phil Muhgraven


    Pairs well with: Dark City, Altered States (reviewed on this site), The Exorcist (also reviewed on this site), and squeegeeing your third eye.

    Add a rung to the ladder

    Comments (2)

    Mick Finnegan September 17, 2012 7:25 pm

    The Doc's on point with this one. One of the first movies I ever bought on DVD, this is a horror treasure everyone should own.

    Max Heller September 29, 2012 12:28 pm

    Truly! One of my all time favorites.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Jason X (2002)
    Director: James Isaac
    Starring: Kane Hodder in his last Jason turn- this one wouldn’t have been complete without him... oh yeah, and David Cronenberg
    This movie is: More fun than it deserved to be... no, really

    This film has ONE goal- be FUN. Cool, creative kills... and LOTS of ‘em. Somehow, the team of kids from the future still find skimpy clothes to wear inside their spaceship that looks like a hockey mask. If you’re OK with that, then you’ll be delighted by David Cronenberg’s death-by-Jason, Uber-Jason and Uber-Jason’s holo-deck fantasy. -- Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    Pairs well with: Jason Goes to Hell

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    Jaws (1975)
    Director: Steven Spielberg
    Starring: Roy Sheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Robert Fucking Shaw
    This movie is: Thriller, Horror, The king of all monster movies

    Question: Which one of these things doesn’t belong?
    A) Blowjobs B) Steak Dinners C) Jaws
    Answer: Trick question – they all belong because they are all 100% fucking awesome. -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: Choice A and B from above.
    No shit: Robert Shaw's monologue about the U.S.S Indianapolis is a true story. It is also unarguably the toughest, coolest monologue in movie history and it was written by John Milius, who directed Red Dawn and the original Conan. Fuck Yeah!

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    Comments (4)

    Johnny Nogerelli February 28, 2012 4:26 pm

    Awesome. So effective with so little. Watch this and then lighten the mood a bit by watching Jaws 3D.

    Max_Heller February 29, 2012 1:38 pm

    Agreed, Mick was spot on with this review. One of theeee best monster movies of all time. Blowjobs are cool too though.

    Angela April 28, 2012 7:19 pm

    I mean come on - saw this while on vacation AT THE BEACH with my folks when I was 11 years old - how did my parents let me do that?? It did its job and still does.

    Horrorfan 13 July 29, 2012 10:51 am

    I don't know man...blowjobs are pretty good.

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    JFK (1991)
    Director: Oliver Stone
    Starring: Kevin Costner and everyone popular in Hollywood circa 1991.
    This Movie Is: Revisionist dogshit

    After three hours of watching this I wish someone put a bullet in my fucking head.-TheErikWilliams

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    Joy Ride (2001)
    Director: John Dahl
    Starring: Leelee Sobieski, Paul Walker
    This movie is: Horror, Thriller,

    I expected not much from this and got an old favorite instead. This tight little package is packed with more surprises than a box of Cracker Jacks. Yeah I know a box of Cracker Jacks only has one surprise, but this movie has at least two, maybe more. Its produced by J.J. Abrams and he has been synonymous with quality for a few years now. This movie is worthy of his name. It has a cool bad guy, great tension, real car stunts, plucky characters, and a hottie. What else do you want in a horror movie? -- Max Heller

    No Shit: The voice of the bad guy was done by Ted Levine, who was made famous by his serial killer character Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

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    Comments (1)

    Johnny Nogerelli February 28, 2012 4:27 pm

    Totally agree. Didn't know J.J. Abrams was involved, but definitely a good flick.

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    Judge Dredd (1998)
    Director: Danny Cannon
    Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante
    This movie is: Based on a comic, Action, Explody

    A theme song by The Cure?…my gaydar just went off. This movie deserved better. It is soooo hit and miss. The ABC War Robot, and the character of Mean Machine are the two coolest things that just barely save this movie from being a complete pile of shit. But what forces this movie's head down into shit territory, is not the clean unused looking Bladerunner-esque world, or the spotless uniforms, tights, and machinery. It's Rob Schnieder. "You can do eeeeet" (just not in this movie). Someone should have gotten fired over that decision. It's still a bit of a guilty pleasure for me, but I'm really glad they are remaking this. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Demolition Man which is a far superior film, even though Sandra Bullock is in it.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Ju-on: The Grudge (2002)
    Director: Takashi Shimizu
    Starring: Megumi Okina, Misaki Ito
    This movie is: Pure, uncut nightmare fuel

    I don’t know what Japan has figured out about horror movies that we haven’t grasped yet, but they seem to know exactly how to create primal fear. The movie does away with an overarching plot and leaves you to fill in the blanks if you feel like it, rather than explaining the story directly. Instead you get a series of loosely connected people who either go into a haunted house, see a ghost, or talk to someone else who has met a ghost, and quickly meet terrifying deaths. The creepy throat noise the ghost makes still makes my skin crawl. -- Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Not sleeping


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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Ju-On: The Grudge 2 (2003)
    Director: Takashi Shimizu
    Starring: Noriko Sakai, Chiharu Niiyama
    This movie is: Still, pure nightmare fuel

    Continues the throat noise ghost scariness of Ju-On with but loses a few points by trying to have one continuous story throughout the movie. The plot follows a film crew that does a story about the haunted house from the original movie, and a woman who becomes pregnant with the child of throat-noise-ghost girl. Once it becomes clear that the pregnant woman is essential to the story and therefore can’t die, it loses some of the WTF-ness of the original, which killed off a character every five minutes. – Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: The Ring 2

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