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    Machete Kills (2013)
    Director: Robert Rodriguez
    Starring: every Latino movie star today
    This movie is: absurd

    Machete Kills? More like Machete's Dead. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Taco Bell* a registered trademark of the pepsico company and other generic Mexican stuff.
    No Shit: Proves Charlie Sheen would make an awesome president.

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    MacGruber (2010)
    Director: Joma Taccone
    Starring: Will Forte, Kristen Wiig
    This movie is: Comedy, Raunchy,

    Hmmmmmm you want to really like this, but it's hard. Like a hard wired bomb (which it was at the box-office) it’s got its positives and negatives.

    Positives - Val Kilmer makes an awesomely hilarious bad guy, which is how I imagine him to be in real life.

    Negatives - Sometimes it goes too far. Jokes push the limit past raunchy into uncomfortable.

    Because this made me laugh out loud more than a few times, I gave it two and a half stars. Had it come equipped with a piece of tinfoil, a potato, a bottle cap, and some old gum, I would have rated it higher.

    -- Max Heller

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    Comments (8)

    Anonymous February 28, 2012 10:57 am

    joRma taccone made a very funny movie. two of the funniest sex scenes of ALL time. i can kind of understand this measly rating for the general public. i would rate it slightly higher, but fuck it. butt fuck it.

    filmschoolgrad February 28, 2012 11:56 am

    bullshit, dude. awesome movie!!!!!!!!!

    Max_Heller February 28, 2012 12:18 pm

    Ha Ha!! Awesome! Get fired up Macgrubians!

    Johnny Nogerelli February 28, 2012 4:34 pm

    I agree with Max. Wanted it to be great, but it wasn't. Funniest moment for me was Forte and Philippe bickering and the Colonel breaks them up with "Guys guys guys, guys guys guys, guys guys..." But I pretty much hate Forte every other time, and in everything he does.

    thespiritofdio February 29, 2012 2:57 pm

    FOUR AND A HALF STAAAARS!!!!
    (to be sung like dio)

    Max_Heller February 29, 2012 3:01 pm

    firstly, i rewatched this film this morning. i would now like to retract my initial opinions as being too wishy washy and i would like to go full tilt boogie, turn this thing up to eleven and apologize for not seeing the brilliance of this film. there really is no such thing as too far when it comes to the jokes in this movie. thank you, macgrubians, for showing me the truth.

    Max_Heller (the real Max) March 1, 2012 1:40 pm

    Haha! Its awesome when someone highjacks your screen name. Let the games begin.

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    Mad Max (1979)
    Director: George Miller
    Starring: Mel Gibson, Hugh Keays Byrne
    This movie is: Action, Australian, Awesome, Real Stunts, CGI-less

    Hell yes! This movie is all kinda Drive-in-theater Awesome. Anytime its on I'm drawn to it. Sweet car wrecks and bike stunts before everything was made safe with digital. The V-8 interceptor is one of my dream cars, it should be yours too. This also features Mel Gibson before everyone including Russian strippers hated him. -- Mad Max Heller

    No Shit: George Miller who went on to direct all the sequels to this movie also did Babe and Happy Feet. Also this movie was originally dubbed in English because the American execs didn't think we would be able to understand the dialect and slang. Most of the newer copies of it come with the original track as default now.

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    Comments (1)

    Kundalini February 27, 2012 10:18 pm

    I would like my hand back.



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    Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
    Director: George Miller
    Starring: Mel Gibson, Tina Turner
    This movie is: A sequel, Action, Lame

    I live in a sheltered world. A world where there is no hate, where kids can play with dangerous toys, where political correctness is a thing of the past and Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome was never made. This movie starts out with potential and is quickly ruined with a cast of children (see under Stargate). This does not belong in the same room as the original Mad Max or its fantastic sequel the Road Warrior.
    -- Max-Beyondthunderdomesucks-Heller

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    Comments (1)

    Master Blaster July 29, 2012 10:53 am

    I run barter town, so suck it.



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    Maniac (2012)
    Director: Frank Kalfoun
    Starring: Elijah Wood
    This movie is: not hilarious

    You'll forget all about the shire because Frodo IS the Maniac in this remake of an 80's sicko classic. Don't watch it with your gal unless she fancies scalpers (I'm not talking tickets) -- Max Heller

    No Shit: This is one of the better remakes you will ever see.

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    Maniac! (1980)
    Director: William Lustig
    Starring: Joe Spinell, Caroline Munro
    This movie is: Horror, Violent, Gory

    Maniac! You gotta love a movie with an exclamation point in the title. This title is yelling its name at you. If it was texting you it would be in ALL CAPS because thats how this movie rolls. As a point of fact, Hookers beware, not only is there a chance that some psycho (or in this case, Maniac!) is going to take you to a dingy room and scalp you, but if you happen to have a son and put him in the closet while you turn tricks, chances are it’s gonna cause some mental problems and instabilities in the future. That's just my little PSA Hookers, good luck. Good decent slasher film by the way. -- Max Heller

    No Shit: Special effects makeup guy Tom Savini who did the gore in this movie also plays a character who gets his head graphically blown off…cool.

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    The Manitou (1978)
    Director: William Girdler
    Starring: Jamie Leigh Curtis’s dad
    This movie is: Another underrated gem... no, really

    One of those ‘70s dare-you-to-try-and-predict horror flicks. Some cheesy special effects, but some really cool, creepy stuff in there too. A great, surprising and satisfying watch. --Dr Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED

    Pairs well with: Evilspeak (1981), The Beast Within (1982), possibly Demon Seed (1977)... random unexpected horrors like getting lumps on your spine checked out


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    The Master (2012)
    Director: Paul "I make movies people see when they don't want to have fun" Thomas Anderson
    Starring: Joaquin Phoenix ACTOR!, Phillip Seymour Hoffman ACTOR! some other people who try to keep up.
    This movie is: Film School Bullshit out the gate.

    Unless your writing a thesis on boring things that go nowhere, like snail watching and paint drying. Stay far away from this. This was made clearly so actors (who aren't scientologists) can pat each other on the back and give out hand jobs to each other at the academy. -- Max Heller

    No shit: Supposedly its kind of about L Ron Hubbard.

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    Comments (1)

    Twunch February 2, 2013 3:12 pm

    Whatever can go wrong does go wrong in this wacky send up of L. Ron Hubbard!

    Wait, no. That's wrong.

    The most boring, dreary, and slowly-paced movie ever made featuring a clenched Joaquin Phoenix, a beet-red Philip Seymour Hoffman, and there-but-only-barely-yet-still-nominated Amy Adams.

    Pairs well with: Soduku, crossword puzzles, cock and ball torture.

    No Shit: If you feel like you need to see this movie to participate in conversations with movie people, go read some longer reviews and cherry pick some opinions. And use the remaining two hours and twenty minutes to get yourself some auditing at the Scientology Celebrity Center.

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    Men in Black 3 (2012)
    Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
    Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin
    This movie is: A sequel sci-fi, comedy

    Its a good MIB sequel certainly better than 2. Its got time travel in it so it reminds you of the Back to the Future movies, good wholesome fun. The only thing missing was a song form Huey Lewis and the News. Josh Brolin does a sweet Tommy Lee impersonation. That and the good fx work is worth the price alone. -- Max Heller

    No shit: Makeup fx wizard Rick Baker's company did over 200 aliens for this movie.

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    The Midnight Hour (1985)
    Director: Jack Bender
    Starring: a bunch of other familiar faces- Shari Belafonte, Peter DeLouise, Dick Van Patton, Levar Burton and Kurtwood Smith
    This movie is: An undiscovered Halloween gem... no, really

    Zombies, vampires, witches and werewolves- this made-for-TV surprise is a welcome addition to any Halloween playlist. Does the Doc have to mention the ghost cheerleader and the midget zombie? I thought not... -- Dr Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED- harmless Halloween fun that’s better than the cover would suggest
    Pairs well with: Well, let’s say this will probably be on the Halloween viewing list from now on...

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    Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (2012)
    Director: Brad Bird
    Starring: Tom Cruise, Michael Nyqvist
    This movie is: A reminder that Tom Cruise can at least ACT like he's not crazy

    The story is forgettable, but some cool action set pieces stand out amongst the mediocre plot. Watching the implausibly well-coordinated heist scenes is by far the strongest point of the movie; the actual story involves the IMF being framed for bombing the Kremlin, then initiating the movie's titular protocol and actually disavowing all their agents, like they always threaten to. The remaining four agents chase after the Swedish guy from "The Girl Who Did Things" series, and Simon Pegg makes some jokes. As a side note, my personal ghost protocol is to yell "G-g-g-g-ghosts!" And hide under the blanket. -- Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Mission Impossible 3

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller May 19, 2012 11:06 am

    Saw it last night. I'd give it 3 1/2 stars. I liked MI 3 better. My Ghost Protocol on the other hand is to shit my pants when I see them.



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    Moneyball (2011)
    Director: Bennet Miller
    Starring: Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill
    This movie is: Drama, Sports

    I don’t know how Moneyball does it. It takes a bunch of boring ingredients; math, baseball, Jonah Hill, etc., and somehow it pulls it off.
    Well played, Moneyball. Well played indeed. -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: The Natural

    No shit: Most of the guys who played the scouts in the team meetings were actual Major League scouts.

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    Monster Brawl (2011)
    Director: Jesse T Cook
    Starring: Dave Foley, Robert Maillet, Art Hindle
    This movie is: Horror, black comedy

    Shit as a movie...... but if they actually make this into a sport I want ringside seats, its awesome!!!!! -- Joe Public

    Pairs well with: Trailer Park of Terror

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    Monsters (2010)
    Director: Gareth Edwards
    Starring: Scoot McNairy, Whitney Able
    This movie is: Boring, A let down, Horror

    SPOILER ALERT! This movie is boring. END SPOIlER. Follow one very unlikeable guy (whose real name is Scoot and that makes him even more unlikeable) and one fairly flat Cameron Diaz-alike as the love interest. This movie had potential. But for a character driven story its characters are not very interesting, in fact they are annoying. I kept waiting for this movie to pay off in some way, I'm still waiting. -- Max Heller

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    Comments (3)

    Johnny Nogerelli February 28, 2012 4:35 pm

    Some obscure movies on here, but I'm with ya. Not sure why I saw this, but I did. Wish I hadn't.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven September 8, 2012 6:01 am

    Tip to filmmaker- if you call your movie "Monsters", please be sure to include some monsters. I prescribe for you an uncomfortable rectal exam, and hope that you remember to include Godzilla in your upcoming film "Godzilla". The Doc's time is very valuable, and you will be receiving a bill for 94 minutes.

    Joe Public October 28, 2012 9:34 am

    Was it really only 94 minutes? Felt like so much longer




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    Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
    Director: Wes Anderson
    Starring: Jared Gilman Kara Hayward, Bruce Willis and more.
    This movie is: Comedic Film school BS

    This is seriously film school BS out of the gate and its fanfuckingtastic, in fact, its necessary to cleanse your palette on occasion. If you've been on a steady diet of Michael "Explodey" Bay junk food movies followed with some late night fake tittied skin-i-max crap. Then Your belly and mind are probably aching…You'd be hard pressed to find a better healthy film snack thats good for you than this little quirky gem. The only way it could have been more quirky is if Zooey Deschannel was dressed up as a 60's go-go dancer and was chasing around baby ducks with a pink feather duster to the Benny Hill theme. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with:
    Anything starring Michael Cera, other Wes Anderson film school BS projects.

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    Comments (3)

    Film school BS'r July 26, 2012 8:11 pm

    Ahhh yes the cinematography was too die for. The use of color nearly blew my porkpie hat off.

    Horrorfan 13 July 29, 2012 10:54 am

    Thats funny dude.

    filmschoolgrad July 30, 2012 11:52 pm

    transitions...



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    Mortal Kombat (1995)
    Director: Paul W. S. Anderson
    Starring: Robin Shou, Christopher Lambert
    This movie: Features history's greatest ball-punching scene

    This movie is remarkable for two reasons. First, it's the best video game movie ever made, which is a backhanded compliment. Second, it has a theme song that has far outreached it in terms of cultural significance. This movie made Belgian techno music popular; not since Highlander has a theme song had such impact. Speaking of which, Mr. Highlander himself plays a lightning god, Raiden, who does sarcastic slow claps and gives demeaning lectures to the other characters. Thankfully, this movie realizes that a movie about a fighting tournament should be mostly fighting, and fuck the story. -- Leslie Down

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Motel Hell (1980)
    Director: Kevin Connor
    Starring: Rory Calhoun
    Features: Almost no actual motels

    A hillbilly family captures passerby, then kills them and serves the human meat up like a local delicacy. Tries to straddle the line between horror and comedy with a none-too-subtle environmentalist message. Some legitimate gross out horror is in there somewhere, but the true horror is the charming murderer played by Rory Calhoun attempting to rub his sagging, gray old man body all over the female protagonist. -- Leslie Down

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller October 26, 2012 9:54 am

    Two words - Chainsaw fight! One word - Awesome

    Horrorfan 13 May 25, 2013 11:54 am

    Three more words - Wearing pig heads.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Mr. Brooks (2007)
    Director: Bruce A Evans
    Starring: Kevin Kostner, Danielle Panabaker Demi Moore
    This movie is: Horror, Thriller

    Kevin Kostner takes a hand playing a serial killer in 2007's "Mr. Brooks." Earl Brooks is a successful businessman, family man, philanthropist and community member. There's only one problem -- he's a psychopathic serial killer who talks to himself and spends his evenings committing his latest crime as the notorious "Thumbprint Killer." There's not a whole lot to say about this film. Kostner turns in a wonderful performance as the monstrous but troubled Mr. Brooks, and playing his alter ego is the tremendous William Hurt ("The Village"). It's a great look inside the mind and inner-workings of a serial killer, and turns in credible and strong performances by all involved including Dane Cook, Demi Moore, Danielle Panabaker and Marg Helgenberger. -- The Movie Buff

    No shit: "Mr Brooks" is the second horror film for Danielle Panabaker to appear in. She plays 'Jenna' in the 2009 reboot of "Friday the 13th."

    Goes well with: Wine and a nice cigar. Mr. Brooks is Man of the Year, after all.

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    Comments (1)

    Mick Finnegan December 18, 2012 8:42 pm

    I still think "Young Frankenstein" is his best.

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    The Mutilator (1985)
    Director: Buddy Cooper
    Starring: friends of Buddy Cooper and maybe some locals
    This movie is: worse than useless... no, really

    Too late to the slasher game, this is a failed procedure. Even the slasher completists will struggle with this post-mortem movement. -- Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED? Like snake-handling as a cure.
    Pairs well with: Whatever else fails to ferment, even at the bottom of the barrel

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Near Dark (1987)
    Director: Kathryn Bigelow
    Starring: Bill Paxton, Adrian Pasdar, God-Among-Men Lance Henriksen
    This movie is: Fuckin' Fantabulous

    Besides being the best vampire movie made the last thirty years, if not ever, all I've got to say is two words: bar scene. It's finger lickin' good! -- TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Pray for Daylight
    Tagline shoulda been: Fasten Your Fuckin' Seatbelt

    No shit: The chick who played Vasquez in Aliens plays Lance Henriksen's girl in this. Lance played Bishop in Aliens. And Bill Paxton played Hudson in Aliens. Hell, even James Cameron pops up in this with a cameo.
    Pairs well with: Man, this one does just fine on it's own. Rob Zombie wants to make redneck horror, he should watch this and fucking LEARN!

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    Comments (1)

    Mick Finnegan October 6, 2012 8:22 am

    Director Kathryn Bigelow used to be married to James Cameron, that's why there's so much crossover. I just watched this recently. Sooo good.

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    The Nesting (aka PHOBIA) (1981)
    Director: Armand Weston
    Starring: John Carradine (but not Dracula’s proudest moment)
    This movie is: There’s a reason you’ve never heard of this one... no, really

    Not horrible, just not terribly good... or interesting. Ghosty, forgettable... but hey, at least it’s not a remake! The Doc watched it so that you don’t have to. -- Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED? Not really.
    Pairs well with: Any other run-of-the-mill non-descript supernatural venture from the period

    ** out of five stars

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Night of the Living Dead (1968)
    Director:
    George A. Romero
    Starring: NO recognizable faces, which is part of its success
    This movie is: A game-changer... no, really

    The one, the only- sparse, bleak, frightening. Romero simultaneously re-invents horror and creates the modern zombie genre. Seemingly tame by today’s standards, this one’s is a cumulative effect. If somehow you’ve never seen this, I prescribe you find it immediately, watch it twice and call me in the morning. --Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    HIGHLY RECOMMENDED - one of the Doc’s top five horrors

    Pairs well with: Dawn of the Dead (1978), Day of the Dead (1985) Both reviewed here on the site by the good Dr.


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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller October 29, 2012 6:56 pm

    Yeah a quality first course to the dead feast.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Night of the Living Dead (1990)
    Director: Tom Savini
    Starring: Patricia Tallman, Tony Todd and some other habitual horror heroes
    This movie is: A worthy redo... no, really

    Fantastic reworking and updating of the original. A couple of spots of atrocious dialogue keep this one from being perfect, but take it from a guy who spends a lot of time around corpses (why do they always bring this up at the malpractice suits?), this one has some of the best zombies ever put on screen. Plays on fans’ expectations to keep it interesting. --Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    Pairs well with: Day of the Dead (1985)

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    A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
    Director: Samuel Bayer
    Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara
    This movie is: A crappy remake, Supernatural, Horror

    I had high hopes for this one...but they changed Freddy's back story and thus changed the whole outlook of the film. Ultimately it made me miss marshmallow stairs. -- Max Heller

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Night Watch (2004)
    Director: Timur Bekmambetov
    Starring: A bunch of commies
    This movie is: Russian Horror, aka, Crap

    I'm going to be on the nose here: Should have called it Shit Watch. --
    TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Couldn't find one.
    Tagline shoulda been: Good luck figuring this fucker out.

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    Comments (2)

    Leslie Down October 29, 2012 7:01 pm

    Nightwatch (2004)
    Director: Timur Bekmambetov
    Starring: Konstantin Khabenskiy, Vladimir Menshov
    This film: Has hands down the most creative use of subtitles

    In the centuries-old conflict between vampires and reverse vampires, a truce is reached whereby order is maintained, using vampire police (Nightwatch) and reverse-vampire police (Daywatch). An interesting story, but whoever edited this film seems to have ADD. There were so many rapid-fire whip pans and jump cuts this film should come with a motion sickness bag. – Leslie Down

    Tagline was: All That Stands Between Light And Darkness Is The Night Watch.
    Tagline should’ve been: All that stands between light and darkness is a bunch of subtitles.

    Pairs well with: Underworld

    Max_Heller October 29, 2012 7:02 pm

    Leslie gave it 4 stars. so your guess is as good as mine???

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    Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010)
    Director: Joseph Guzman
    Starring: Asun Ortega, David Castro
    This movie is: Troubled and not as fun as you'd like, also kind of rapey

    Someone has seen too many Robert Rodriguez movies and doesn't have the cash-flow to back it up. Sure its a decent effort for pocket change and it's very much a grind house style movie. But with a titillating title like this you'd expect it to be more fun, the lesbian scenes should outnumber the rape scenes…right? Right? But instead they are dead even 4 to 4. Sure its got more tits per minute than the a party at Larry Flynt's house but come on 4 rape scenes…really? Had it had only one rape scene, I would have given it 2 stars - Max Heller

    Pairs well with:
    Repressing shady sunday school memories.

    No shit:
    The budget was 85,000. That seems high to me.

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