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    Of Unknown Origin (1983)
    Director: George P. Cosmatos
    Starring: Peter Weller and a big-ass rat that we don’t see much
    This movie is: Essential man-vs-nature stuff here... no, really

    A man fighting a rat for dominance of his living space. Uncomplicated. Proof that less is more. I watched this one a BUNCH of times when I was just a little Doc, and it still holds up after all these years. This is the perfect prescription for a good Sunday afternoon. --Dr Phil Muhgraven


    Pairs well with: Food of the Gods (1976), Piranha (1978), Alligator (1980- award-winningly reviewed here) and The Princess Bride (1987- if you’re into the whole “R.O.U.S.” thing)

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller March 27, 2013 11:27 am

    I've never seen this one doc but I just put it on my Netflix Q thanks to you.

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    Oblivion (2013)
    Director: Joseph Kosinski
    Starring: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman
    This movie is: Sci-Fi, cloney

    Yankees fan and nature enthusiast Tom Cruise embarks on a mission to save the deserted planet Earth 64 years in the future. With the help of Academy Award winner/action star Morgan Freeman, and a two handed Jaime Lannister, Tom Cruise and a Russian babe spaceship-laser-fight against other Tom Cruise replicas and numerous malfunctioning futuristic looking human-zapping Drones, commanded by Academy Award winner (and the Head of NASA's space program) Melissa Leo, live via satellite/skype/FaceTime (with very poor broadband service). Rating: 2.5 Tom Cruises out of 4. -- Exposevideoguy

    Pairs well with: Moon another movie about a clone who doesn't know he's a clone.

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    Oldboy (2003)
    Director: Chan-Wook Park
    Starring: Min-sik Choi, Ji-tae Yu
    This movie is: sadly being remade by Spike Lee...

    A man eats a live octopus on screen. Someone's teeth are pried out with a hammer. A tongue gets severed by a pair of scissors. Why are you still reading this still? Go watch this. -- The Spork Guy

    This movie goes well with: an order of dumplings.

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    Comments (2)

    Mick Finnegan December 18, 2012 8:49 pm

    F-Yeah. The brawl in the hallway is one of my favorite fight scenes of all time.

    Max_Heller December 19, 2012 12:58 am

    If you dig on this. Check out some of Chan-Wook Park's other dittys. They are all a hoot. Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and Lady Vengeance. Compiled with the above gem they are the vengeance trilogy.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    The Omen (1976)
    Director: Richard Donner
    Starring: Gregory Peck, David Warner
    This movie is: Nothing without its soundtrack

    The Omen doesn’t hold up so well in the scary department after decades of “creepy little kid” movies have made the idea seem tired. The one thing that does hold up is the soundtrack. You can put that choir full of people singing in shrill latin in just about any circumstance and it will make it instantly creepy.-- Leslie Down

    No shit: The stalker-y priest used to play Doctor Who. Here he advises diplomats to stab their children with seven knives.

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    One Missed Call (2003)
    Director: Takashi Miike
    Starring: Ko Shibasaki, Shin'ichi Tsutsumi
    This film: Is another in the line of Japanese horror movies to be remade for Americans, badly

    When it comes to revenge-obsessed ghosts that kill us using out technology, truly, nobody does it like Japan. The music box-esque ringtone that plays on your phone right as your about to be murdered is chilling. The director knows sometimes it’s better if the music doesn’t tell you when to be scared. Sometimes it’s better if there’s a ghost just hanging out in the background, and nobody by you can see it. – Leslie Down

    Tagline was: Death cannot be put on hold…
    Tagline should’ve been: Death doesn’t show up on your caller ID.

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    One Dark Night (1983)
    Director: Tom McLoughlin
    Starring: Does anybody else remember Meg “younger sister of actress and poker player, Jennifer” Tilly... oh, also starring Batman
    This movie is: Something I’m disappointed that most people haven’t seen... no, really

    The little Doc was possibly a bit too young when dropped off at the local medical-multi-plex to see this “neat little horror movie”. If you’ve never seen it, I prescribe you immediately go home, and wait for dark (if it’s not already) and settle in for this one... slow-burn-old-school-horroreuphoria awaits.

    RECOMMENDED? Strongly prescribed... borderline MANDATORY.
    Pairs well with: Tourist Trap (1979), Just Before Dawn (1981) and other fun underrated/unheard-of gems from back in the day

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    Ong-Bak (2003)
    Director: Prachya Pinkaew
    Starring: Tony Jaa
    This movie is: Brutal, CG-and-wire-free martial arts

    Damn, a lot of guys get elbows to the noggin in this one. --Andy "Action-slacks" McGillicuddy


    Pairs well with: THE PROTECTOR (2005)

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    Only God Forgives (2013)
    Director: Nicolas Winding Refn
    Starring: Ryan Gosling
    This movie is: A B-movie with Class.

    This flick is a smart art house version of KICKBOXER with a big old mix of Oedipal Complex. -- TheEricWilliams

    Tagline Was: Time to See the Devil
    Taglines Shoulda Been: Actually, the original is perfectly appropriate.

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    Outlander (2008)
    Director: Howard McCain
    Starring: James Caviezel, Sophia Miles, John Hurt
    This movie is: A great idea, Action, Sci-fi, Violent, Monster on the rampage

    Did you think the Viking movie, Pathfinder (see review below), would have been better if it had a rampaging monster from space in it? Yeah me too. Merry Christmas. -- Max Heller

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    Comments (3)

    Anonymous February 28, 2012 10:27 am

    disappointed that it wasn't a prequel to children of the corn, following the very sane life of burt (peter horton).

    Max_Heller March 1, 2012 1:42 pm

    I'm not sure I know what that comment means...have you been drinking?

    Santa Claus March 20, 2012 7:16 pm

    Your welcome.

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    Pacific Rim (2013)
    Director: Guillermo Del Toro
    Starring: The Sons of Anarchy
    This movie is: new school giant monster movie

    If you don't like Godzilla movies because they lack great acting and solid hole free plots. Then this one isn't for you either - Max Heller

    No shit:
    I haven't smiled that much in a theater since Mary Ellen gave me a hand job at the drive in.

    Pairs well with:
    a 2 hour hand job

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    Comments (1)

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven October 31, 2013 4:48 pm

    The Doc made it through one hour, forty minutes of this pixel-fest. A CGI tribute to guys-in-rubber-suits is about as sincere as a salute to Black History Month performed by people in black-face... sorry DelToro- the results are not good.

    ** out of five

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)
    Director: Henry Joost
    Starring: Lauren Bittner, Christopher Nicholas Smith
    The found footage genre: Has been thoroughly abused, let's let it die

    After three of these, you think these people would stop videotaping every damn thing that goes on and just get out of their house. The male lead is a perfectly normal guy who lives with his girlfriend and her two daughters, and just happens to tape every single thing that happens in their house, on several different cameras running 24 hours, and then re-watches the footage throughout the day looking for evidence of ghosts. What he sees is a whole lot of furniture moving around on its own. But even after fleeing in terror from the house, he keeps taking a handheld camera with him everywhere he goes. It's not clear what he does for a living. -- Leslie Down

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    Pain and Gain (2013)
    Director: Michael "Explodey" Bay
    Starring: Mark Wahlberg, The Rock
    This movie is: What happens when Michael Bay makes a Cohen Brothers movie.

    This is the best Michael Bay movie you will see all week. As silly as it is its still a true story. It's funny, its dark , its sexy, its jabbing steroids in your ass and asking you to quit being a pussy and just fuckin lift .-- Max Heller

    No shit:
    The scene where Mark Wahlberg is asking the 8 yr old neighborhood boys if they're queer pickle lickers or if they want a fine piece of Russian pussy is pretty outstanding.

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    Parker (2013)
    Director: Taylor Hackford
    Starring: Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez
    This movie is: Exactly what you expect it to be

    Jason Statham fights people and does a bad Texan accent and then the movie eventually ends.--The Spork Guy

    No Shit: Nick Nolte has a big head.

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    Comments (3)

    Max_Heller February 23, 2013 10:59 pm

    Nice review Spork Guy. Is this movie anything at all like the other Jason Statham movies where he one lines and punches his way through the script. Or is it more of a thinking mans game like the transporter series?

    The Spork Guy February 24, 2013 4:32 pm

    Much more of a thinking man's game, although it's not quite as smart as any Transporter was. Nor is it "editor porn" like Guy Richie's Statham outings or the Crank series. An example I can give is - The first half of Parker could pass as a reboot of the Hitman(2007) movie as its seems much closer to the source material of Hitman than that movie actually was. and the second Half is J-Lo complaining about her job.

    Horrorfan 13 March 9, 2013 12:48 pm

    But Does J-Lo show her ass? cause babies got back.

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    The Passion of the Christ (2004)
    Director: Mel Gibson
    Starring: Jim Caviezel, Monica Bellucci and Maia Morgenstern
    This movie is: Comedy, Horror, Biopic

    I want to start this review with an apology; I saw your Tweet on Easter, sorry I couldn't get a review to you earlier but I was kind of busy.
    So, Jim Caviezel as me? Pretty much dead nuts on. Jim, go have fun, maybe kill some strippers and do some blow, I got you covered.
    As for Mr. Gibson's portrayal of my last hours, where do I begin?
    A bit over two hours of some of the most boring cinema I've ever seen you silly apes create. Rivaled only by Tree of Life on my top five cinematic snore-fests. I mean, seriously, I know you people like your blood and guts, but the end run of this movie borders on torture porn. And knowing what goes through Mel Gibson's mind, well, I'll just say he stayed true to *his* passion at least.
    Caviezel's acting aside (I'm serious about the strippers dude, have at 'em!) the acting is stilted, the dialog is a mess, and to call the plot derivative and heavy handed would be an understatement. Do you honestly think I want to be remembered like that? Watch Jesus Christ, Superstar instead. It's easier to dance to. --Jesus

    Pairs well with: Bread, wine, maybe some fish, and Bactine.

    No shit: Been there, done that, wouldn't recommend it.

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    Comments (3)

    The Producer April 12, 2012 8:26 pm

    Whats my passion? Hookers and blow.

    Max_Heller April 21, 2012 3:01 pm

    Its not often Jesus reviews a movie...but when he does. Its golden.

    Judas December 11, 2012 4:05 am


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    Pathfinder (2006)
    Director: Marcus Nispel
    Starring: Karl Urban, Jay Tavare
    This movie is: A cool idea, Action, Violent

    It's a livin' breathin' Molly Hatchet Album cover. And…Just like Molly Hatchet there are a few notes here and there to make one smile, but other than that it pretty much falls short. It’s like this. I watched the trailer and I thought, well... Merry Christmas Max, it looks like someone made a movie for you. Then on opening day when I got to tear into the glossy fancy wrapped package, instead of ass kicking amazingness with swords and vikings and beheadings and what have ya, I got socks and a sweater. -- Max Heller

    No shit: its glaringly historically inaccurate.

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    Comments (2)

    Erik the Vikings fan March 20, 2012 7:15 pm

    Oh yah shore this one was crapola.Go Vikes!

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven June 22, 2013 9:25 pm

    Ol' Marcus "The Remaker" Nispel... I used to say 'well, it may be crap, but at least he's done ONE film that wasn't a remake'. Nope, this one's a remake too, as it turns out.

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    Phantasm (1979)
    Director: Don Coscarelli
    Starring: actors who are only famous to Phantasm fans
    This movie is: One of the most random and original horror flicks to come out of a boom in random and original horror flicks... no, really

    A huge creepy funeral director in high-waters from another dimension is harvesting our corpses and turning them into angry zombie jawas, while flying cuisinart silver balls keep patrol. So kooky it actually works.--Dr Phil Muhgraven


    Pairs well with: ThePhantasm series, Basket Case(1982), The Evil Dead (1981) and any other funky, low-budget but effective classics of the period

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Phantasm II (1988)
    Director: Don Coscarelli
    Starring: James LeGros, Reggie Bannister
    This movie is: Horror, sequel

    As near as I can gather, a tall, old man with superhuman strength goes around stealing corpses and making them into Jawas, and Pete Hornberger from 30 Rock is going to take him out. Also figuring prominently into the plot are large, sentient murder pinballs, forgetting to turn off your gas stove, a quadruple-barrel shotgun, and necrophilia. Beyond that, I don’t think there is a plot other than “We got to kill that old guy!” Good stuff. – Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Poltergeist II

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    Pink Flamingos (1972)
    Director: John Waters
    Starring: Divine, Mink Stole, Edith Massey
    This Movie is: Legendary, Cult, not safe for work

    This movie is about a deranged family trying to regain their reputation of being the most disgusting human beings alive. If you are actually able to watch the infamous dancing anus scene without cringing or shielding your eyes, then I believe you deserve that title instead. Good first date movie. -- The Spork Guy

    Tagline was: "One of the most vile, stupid and repulsive films ever made"
    Tagline should have been: "One of the most vile, stupid and repulsive films ever made"

    Pairs well with: The tunnel scene from Willy Wonka, Eggs from the Eggman.
    No Shit: Just kidding, there is a whole lotta shit in this movie.

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    Piranha 3D (2010)
    Director: Alex Aja
    Starring: Elizabeth Shue, some porn stars, Adam Scott, some porn stars
    This movie is: The reason you have a pause and rewind button on your remote.

    Dear Alex Aja…Thank you. What do you get when you add bikini clad porn stars, 12,000 gallons of blood, more digital fish than you can shake a digital stick at, explosions, action, heroics, dumb shits in speedboats that rip people faces off, and… did I mention porn stars? Add all this glorious stuff together and what you get is …The Holy Grail of "fun" horror films. Shhhhh if you listen closely you can hear the key demographic of men age 13 to 68 having their minds blown. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with:
    The Hills have Thighs, yes that not a misspell and yes we realize Alex Aja also directed The Hills Have Eyes remake.

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    Comments (5)

    Male age 43 March 20, 2012 7:13 pm


    Male age 15 April 11, 2012 12:44 pm

    The Hills have thighs is the bomb!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Horrorfan 13 July 29, 2012 10:57 am

    Yeah Pretty much the best movie ever made.

    Jen October 28, 2012 9:50 am

    I don't know any christians but if I did I'd make them watch this movie and then they'd probably be a lot more fun to hang out with :)

    Jesus February 23, 2013 11:00 pm

    I endorse this one Jen its cool.

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    Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
    Director: Gore Verbinski
    Starring: A slightly sober Hunter S. Thompson and a not so sober cameo by Keith Richards
    This movie is: Harder to follow than Usain Bolt giving you a guided tour of a High School cross country course.

    What ever script they had was obviously being written while they were filming this rubix cube of a CGI laden catastrophe. --The Spork Guy

    No Shit: At a whopping 300 million dollars, this holds the record as the most expensive waste of money ever put into production.

    Tagline was: At World's End, The Adventure Begins
    Tagline Should've Been: Even At World's End, the series is somehow not over yet.

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    Planet Hulk (2010)
    Director: Sam Liu
    Starring: Voices of actors you've never heard of.
    This flick is: Animated goodness.

    Yeah, it's a Marvel cartoon and they don't normally measure up to what DC puts out. But it's Hulk. He smashes things. And it's got motherfucking Beta Ray Bill in it. Beta Ray Bill! Yes...I'm a geek. Bite me. --TheEricWilliams

    Tagline was: Will He Save Their World...Or Destroy It?
    Tagline shoulda been: Hulk Will Save World...Then Destroy It. That what Hulk does!

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    Comments (2)

    The Spork Guy February 24, 2013 4:15 pm

    My friends have never stopped giving me shit for being a Beta Ray Bill fan. Have no shame, have no problem.

    Horrorfan 13 March 9, 2013 12:49 pm

    What the F is a Beta Ray Bill?

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    Playback (2012)
    Starring: Christian Slater
    This movie is: Horror

    "Blair Witch Project" meets "The Ring", with a dash of "Strangeland", "Brainscan", and "Videodrome". Not as good as any of the films just mentioned, but it has a lot more substance than the whole onslaught of 'shaky camera films' that have been a staple of low-budget horror since Blair Witch. --Schmokin'

    Pair well with: "Blair Witch Project", "The Ring", "Strangeland". "Brainscan", "Videodrome".

    No shit: Better than all three "Paranormal Activity" films put together. And Christian Slater can still act!

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Poltergeist II (1986)
    Director: Brian Gibson
    Starring: Craig T. Nelson, Heather O’Rourke
    Special appearance by: Chief Bromden from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

    Craig T. Nelson and his family can’t seem to get away from those darn ghosts! The sequel to Poltergeist asks you to forget that stuff from the original an Indian burial ground; it was actually a 19th century suicide cult causing all the trouble. Aside from one scene where a tequila worm possesses Craig T. Nelson and makes him act sort of rape-y, this film isn’t very scary. – Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Phantasm, anything with a creepy old man in it.

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    Comments (2)

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven March 3, 2013 2:43 pm

    Starring: all the same faces from the first one, only with a touch more shame, and The Chief from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST
    This movie is: A couple of really cool special effects adrift in a sea of shit... no, really

    Imagine the first film, but without anything that made the first one good. This one gets worse every time the Doc even THINKS about it.

    RECOMMENDED? Only as a Spielberg “before/after” comparison with the first one, or if you want to spend an hour and a half watching a movie, then think of all the other things you could have done with that time
    Pairs well with: POLTERGEIST III or hocking a loogie on your favourite memories of POLTERGEIST

    * out of five stars

    Horrorfan 13 March 9, 2013 12:51 pm

    Word, but I do think that fucking bottle worm scene when Craig T is trippin balls is pretty kewl.

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    Pontypool (2008)
    Director: Bruce McDonald
    Starring: Stephen McHattie, Lisa Houle and Georgina Reilly
    This movie is: Zombie, Contagion, Horror

    What does Pontypool have to offer? A cool take on contagion, definitely. A couple sexy ladies, sure. But when it comes to real horror and infected hordes, this movie is as tense and suspenseful as a stoner trying to tell you a joke, when you're not stoned. I've seen drying paint more engaging.
    Slow moving to the point of being static, dialog that made me go back and reread the novel to make sure I hadn't suffered an aneurism that made me think it was worth seeing the movie, and lacking in the subtlety of message that made the source material so worthwhile.
    F*ck it dude, go bowling instead. -- Grixton

    Pairs well with: A round in the chamber and the courage to pull the trigger.

    No shit: The book is much better.

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    Comments (4)

    Max_Heller April 11, 2012 12:44 pm

    Thanks for the review and the warning Grixton. I love me some zombie movies, but not at the expense of wanting to "pull the trigger" I love bowling too much for that.

    Schmokin' April 21, 2012 2:56 pm

    So much potential, so little payoff. I have dubbed this film 'Pontypoop'...

    Angela May 31, 2012 2:06 pm

    thinly veiled propaganda piece for Canadian French separatists. They should try and raise more money next time. ;)

    TheErikWilliams February 19, 2013 1:38 pm

    Fucking boring and fucking terrible. But what do you expect from Canadia?

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    The Possession (2012)
    Director: Ole Bornedal
    Starring: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Natasha Calis
    This movie is: Horror, Devilish, Based on a true story…not

    The Possession is about a displaced spirit, or Dybbuk, which is kept in an ornate, carved box. When opened, the entity is unleashed to possess a human. The victim in this case is a 10-year-old girl, Em, who buys the Dybbuk box at a yard sale.

    Strange things happen as soon as the box comes home: Em’s room is filled with moths, she becomes withdrawn, she stabs her dad’s hand with a fork.

    The Possession hits the predictable points that most movies about exorcism include: dark rooms that don’t seem to have light switches, loud, ominous music to jar you back to watching just as your attention begins to wander, heavy winds blowing indoors.
    There were several unintentionally funny scenes that were made so by the obliviousness of the other characters. No one seems to notice when Em’s features change noticeably just before she attacks. Her odd behavior is blamed on being an unhappy child of divorce.

    More laughs occur as the exorcism of Em takes place in a hospital which is apparently so understaffed that the family can run through it unimpeded, yelling and screaming their heads off. No one stops them, even as they move freely around a morgue filled with tables of corpses. What the heck, the door was wide open so why not go right in?

    Order is restored for this family, but in an ending reminiscent of HBO’s Six Feet Under pilot, the movie predictably sets up a sequel. The Possession is slightly creepy and highly mockable. Fun stuff if you don’t expect genuine scares.
    -- Halloweenaries

    No shit:
    When your daughter starts growling and looks like she's suddenly wearing KISS makeup, there may be a problem

    Pairs well with:
    Any average child possession movie. Not The Exorcist.

    Tagline was:
    "Fear the demon that doesn't fear God"

    Tagline shoulda' been:
    Fear yard sales run by staring neighbors, pancake forks and hospitals where all staff take breaks at the same time .

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    Comments (4)

    Max Heller September 8, 2012 5:42 pm

    Congrats Halloweenaries on a great review...I think you now hold the distinction of longest review yet.

    Max Heller September 8, 2012 5:43 pm

    By the way the weirdest thing I ever saw at a garage sale giant box of porn. Normally I'm okay with that kinda thing but at a garage sale..its a little weird.

    Mick Finnegan September 9, 2012 5:37 am

    Olde copies of "Hustler" and "Swank" for only 15 cents per issue. What a bargain! Coincedentally, I keep my porn in an old Dybbuk Box.

    Leslie Down October 8, 2012 8:43 pm

    Essentially a modern reimagining of The Exorcist, except this time the priest is replaced with a Hassidic Jew. Most of the memorable scenes are spoiled by the trailer. Does justice to the “creepy little kid” genre, but also just sort of makes me angry at little kids. Stop getting possessed, you guys!

    3 stars

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    Primer (2004)
    Director: Shane Carruth
    Starring: Shane Carruth, David Sullivan
    This movie is: Indie

    If you say you liked this movie, you are a pretentious, lying, hipster shithole. Normalizing for the extremely poor production values, based on the shoestring budget, this movie is still crap. It ends up relying on the undergrad film school voice-over bullshit to try and pull the narrative together, but even that can't save it from being a pompous, self-important, indulgent, incoherent mess. This movie is single-handedly responsible for my now believing that Sundance is a pack of odious and moronic bandwagoneers. -- Hagop

    No Shit: This movie was reportedly made for $7,000, which is less than Arizona Diamondback Luis Gonzalez's game-chewed gum sold for at auction. The gum was the better value.

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    Comments (1)

    The Spork Guy June 24, 2013 1:16 pm

    You didn't already know that about Sundance?

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    Prime Cut (1972)
    Director: Michael Ritchie
    Starring: Lee Marvin, Gene Hackman, Sissy Spacek
    This movie is: 70’s action

    Hackman as a corrupt rancher who deals in human flesh vs Marvin the mob dude, and proof that Sissy Spacek used to be hot. --Andy "Action-slacks" McGillicuddy

    This shit’s alright.

    Pairs well with: ROLLING THUNDER (1977), THE QUICK AND THE DEAD (1995)

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    The Prince of Darkness (1987)
    Director: John Carpenter
    Starring: Donald Pleasence, Egg Shen
    This movie is: Insulting to the Retarded

    Satan is evil goo that is trapped in a cool jar under a church. That's right: tube-O-Satan. Apparently tube-O-Satan's job is to open a doorway for his even more evil gooey father. The good thing is, if you're dying from a disease, watch this flick because every moment feels like it takes a fucking eternity.-- TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Before Man Walked the Earth...It Slept for Centuries. It is Evil, It is Real. It is Awakening.
    Tagline shoulda been: Meet my libido. He's a psycho. Feed my Frankenstein. Hungry for love...And it's feeding time!

    No shit : Alice Cooper plays a homeless psychopath, which I think isn't too far from current reality. It also explains what the Tagline shoulda been.
    Pairs well with: Comic Relief; Soup Shelters; K-Y; Terminal Diseases

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller October 6, 2012 10:47 am

    I don't know man this one is a guilty pleasure for me, maybe its because I dig the Satan. This movie feels like an Italian film because it just barely makes any kind of sense. The dream is creepy although outdated.

    TheErikWilliams October 6, 2012 4:18 pm

    I know what you mean. I loved it when I was younger. But rewatching it, as an author now, it's hard to ignore the silliness of it all. You're right though about the dream.

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    The Prince of Persia (2010)
    Director: Mike Newell
    Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton
    This movie is: based on a video game with a more coherent story

    Features white people with British accents playing characters from ancient Persia. Proof that you can fund and market a movie based solely on the appeal of a shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal. Sir Ben Kingsley slums it as an evil vizier (have there ever been any benevolent viziers?) who tries to seize control of another kingdom by pretending that they have weapons. It's a paper-thin metaphor for U.S. involvement in Iraq, except instead of WMDs, they have really good swords. This leads to tons of parkour and a fight over a dagger that controls time, naturally. Full of both literal and metaphorical leaps in its story. -- Leslie Down

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller February 26, 2012 12:09 pm

    Shirtless Jake? I can't quit you.

    TheErikWilliams February 19, 2013 1:39 pm

    It's good to see Maggie Gyllenhaal still working.

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    Prisoners (2013)
    Director: Denis Villeneuve
    Starring: Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Terrance Howard
    This Movie Is: A lesson in torture, all in the name of good parenting.

    Who-done-its and twisty plots don't get much better than this folks. Literally everything you'd normally yell at the screen for the main characters to hear, eventually happens. This is brutal, satisfying, and a reason more foreign directors need to make American summer flicks. -- The Spork Guy

    Pairs Well With: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Usual Suspects

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    Project X (2012)
    Director: Nima Nourizadeh
    Starring: Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper, Jonathan Daniel Brown
    This movie is: Comedy, Amateurs drinkin'

    "Superbad" meets "Cloverfield". The most epic High School Party Film ever! -- Schmokin'

    Pairs well with: "Can't Hardly Wait", "American Pie", anything Apatow, intoxication, good weed, your parents being out of town.

    No Shit: Features lots and lots of boobs. And a very angry midget. Both are integral to the plot.

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    Max_Heller April 21, 2012 3:01 pm

    Cool I was wondering if this was worth checking out. Boobs and a midget is a selling point for me.

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    Prometheus (2012)
    Director: Ridley Scott
    Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender
    This Movie is: Sci-fi, Controversial, Hated by most nerds

    From the director and art designer of Alien comes this film about the search for a race of giant blue people who created life on Earth. In spite of having little direct connection to the Alien storyline, the film remains plenty atmospheric and creepy, even if the plot is convoluted and often stupid. Fans of tentacle rape, proboscises rammed into throats, and graphic Cesarian-sections will not be disappointed! --Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: any of H.R. Giger's wide-awake nightmares (Alien)

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    Max_Heller June 23, 2012 1:01 pm

    I loved it. Nerds who keep complaining about it should go back to harassing George Lucas into quitting again and sneaking wine coolers from their parents fridge.

    Mick Finnegan December 18, 2012 8:54 pm

    WORST. scientists. ever.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven February 28, 2013 4:55 pm

    Director: Ridley “I made a couple of great movies 30 years ago, now I’m going to destroy their legacies before your eyes” Scott
    Starring: A bunch of shampoo models
    This movie is: Why Sir Ridley should be de-knighted... no, really

    If this movie was directed by Paul W.S. (ALIEN VS PREADATOR) Anderson, it could have been forgiven. As it stands, the Doc wishes he’d just watched ALIEN VS PREADTOR instead. The sometimes bad effects are eclipsed by always far worse writing.

    RECOMMENDED? Sure... like a lobotomy. The Doc feels dumber for having watched it.

    Pairs well with: THE PHANTOM MENACE, KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, THE HOBBIT... do we see a pattern forming here?
    ** out of five stars

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Psycho (1960)
    Director: Alfred Hitchcock
    Starring: Anthony Perkins, Vera Miles
    This movie is: Horror, Thriller, Classic

    One of the classics of horror and suspense, Psycho delivers a genuinely unsettling antagonist in the mother-obsessed Norman Bates. The famous shower-stabbing scene is tame by today’s horror film standards, but the scene that sticks with me most is finding the half-decomposed corpse in the basement. -- Leslie Down

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Pulse (2006)
    Director: Jim Sonzero
    Starring: Kristen Bell, Ian Somerhalder
    This movie is: The most disappointing thing Wes Craven has done this decade, and that’s saying something.

    Another American remake of a Japanese horror film, this one features ghosts that can travel through the internet, and every electronic device is a potential threat. If it seems like it would be impossible to fight a threat that’s ethereal and exists everywhere, that’s because it is. Kristen Bell tries to make the most out of a crappy premise, but can’t save this one. Spoiler alert: The solution to the internet ghosts is to give up and go live in the woods. - Leslie Down

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    Total Ass February 19, 2013 3:29 am

    Directed by Jim Sonzero? More like, Jim "Sum = Zero"